Expectations Fulfilled

Long it was expected, but that it would be such a shock to have expectations forfilled was not so obvious. Maybe because you don’t really believe that it would be done. Maybe because you don’t believe it will get at you so much.

I opened the back door, the keys of my bike in one hand. I turned the lock, smoothly, and opened the door. I smelled gas. “Maybe I have left it on” I thought, even though I hadn’t used the stove that day. I closed and locked the door in a programmed automatism.

The gasscent got stronger as I stepped inside the kitchen. Overpowering. Overwhelming. Alldevouring. The sound of the gas escaping, streaming richly into the air grasped my heart and clung with sharpened nails to my soul. From the corner of my eye I saw a piece of orange sweater next to the sink, while I maniacally switched the gas off, all four of the burners. In a glimpse I saaw that she was awake, looking at me in the dazed manner she looks at me when she realises I am saving her yet again from death.

Door open, getting her up, calling Erik, drinking water, trying so hard to get the trembling to stop. Trying to cope. Trying to understand.

Why does a person want to die? Why would you willingly want to stop exploring the path in a wilderness called life?

Marjolein is still alive, her boyfriend Erik is arranging everything that needs to be arranged.

And I just want to cry.

(no subject)

The first muffling shock slowly is fading away. Pain got through in the end, and anger and petrifying terror after that.
At seven I rode from “home”. A house filthied with bane thoughts and energy’s and intentions. Going out was necessary, I couldn’t bear the gas-scent any longer. Nor the small silenced sounds of her trying to protest the locking-up she and we deserve and need.

I dove into the woods with Sander. I tried to let things out, but it was hard. I love this life so much. I can just look at a tree and weep of it’s beatuy. Howcome she wants to end it?

Sander accompanied me home, to switch the gas off completely and for the moral support I needed. I couldn’t go back in alone. He left just 15 minutes ago. Linda scared me to death by standing outside the door. I thought it was Marjolein returning home, ready for vengence. She was cursing seething with fury because I had called Erik.

I’m still afraid to go and sleep. What if she returns home and tries it again? I closed the gas tap in the kitchen and locked my door, but still. The ward they have her on for the night isn’t closed. She signed a contract not to leave but she can go if she wants to. She has before.

If she does stay tonight, she’ll be back tomorrow. I’m so scared of what will happen then.