Expectations Fulfilled
May. 22nd, 2002 06:39 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
janestarzLong it was expected, but that it would be such a shock to have expectations forfilled was not so obvious. Maybe because you don’t really believe that it would be done. Maybe because you don’t believe it will get at you so much.
I opened the back door, the keys of my bike in one hand. I turned the lock, smoothly, and opened the door. I smelled gas. “Maybe I have left it on” I thought, even though I hadn’t used the stove that day. I closed and locked the door in a programmed automatism.
The gasscent got stronger as I stepped inside the kitchen. Overpowering. Overwhelming. Alldevouring. The sound of the gas escaping, streaming richly into the air grasped my heart and clung with sharpened nails to my soul. From the corner of my eye I saw a piece of orange sweater next to the sink, while I maniacally switched the gas off, all four of the burners. In a glimpse I saaw that she was awake, looking at me in the dazed manner she looks at me when she realises I am saving her yet again from death.
Door open, getting her up, calling Erik, drinking water, trying so hard to get the trembling to stop. Trying to cope. Trying to understand.
Why does a person want to die? Why would you willingly want to stop exploring the path in a wilderness called life?
Marjolein is still alive, her boyfriend Erik is arranging everything that needs to be arranged.
And I just want to cry.
I opened the back door, the keys of my bike in one hand. I turned the lock, smoothly, and opened the door. I smelled gas. “Maybe I have left it on” I thought, even though I hadn’t used the stove that day. I closed and locked the door in a programmed automatism.
The gasscent got stronger as I stepped inside the kitchen. Overpowering. Overwhelming. Alldevouring. The sound of the gas escaping, streaming richly into the air grasped my heart and clung with sharpened nails to my soul. From the corner of my eye I saw a piece of orange sweater next to the sink, while I maniacally switched the gas off, all four of the burners. In a glimpse I saaw that she was awake, looking at me in the dazed manner she looks at me when she realises I am saving her yet again from death.
Door open, getting her up, calling Erik, drinking water, trying so hard to get the trembling to stop. Trying to cope. Trying to understand.
Why does a person want to die? Why would you willingly want to stop exploring the path in a wilderness called life?
Marjolein is still alive, her boyfriend Erik is arranging everything that needs to be arranged.
And I just want to cry.
