For Reasons Undefined
Mar. 24th, 2002 08:39 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
janestarzMy father called when I was about to arrive at Ede. Yeah, thats a real treat.
[ [ do you mind? Im being sarcastic here ] ]
He wants me to come over for Easter. Well, just because he married a woman who loves to celebrate Easter big doesnt mean Im gonna cancel all of my plans, now does it? Well, in fact, my mother asked me to come have Easterbreakfast at her place. A tradition since the divorce. I think this will be the 6th time were gonna do that.
So by the time I heard that the person calling me was my father, my day was certainly ruined. You can imagine by the time I exited the train I was having thunderclouds over my head. I raced home. Truly, never have cycled so fast. Didnt help because by the time I got home I think my eyes were bloodshot.
I put on my System Of A Down cd, and started cooking. By the time that was finished, Marjolein came home. Just what I needed, another person with a lack of social-relational skills.
So I ate, and she left me alone. But by the time there was this really exciting part in that tv-show I always watch on Sunday and she always interrupts, she came crashing inside to tell me what political party she was going to vote on.
Like I would care!
No, wait. It gets better.
So by the time I was really ready to throw some serious heavy stuff around the room and, if in any way possible, at her head, her father dropped by.
Now Marjolein is truly a misstress in evil sentences. Whenever I come home at six pm from school, dead beat and very cranky, she manages to lift my spirits with the ever jolly question Well, are you home already?
No! Im not fucking home! Im still in fucking school because it fucking looks like Im fucking not standing here you spoiled little nag in the ass!
And she learned from the best. Her father is even worse. I really am in a leave me the fuck alone mood, so I close my door. Which would normally mean nobody comes inside. [Unless ofcourse its freaking Sunday and Im watching my fav tvshow. But thats an exception.]
Its like this little creature you really do not care for existing, but it starts to nibble at your feet, trying to grab your attention. And, even though its really a creature you do NOT care about like an ant or something, it hurts. And its annoying. And you really want to kick it in the hope itll go away and leave you alone. But in stead, it comes back and brings a friend to gnaw at you.
Marjoleins father started to nag at me. Just as System Of A Down made a total break in their flaming guitars and the singer shouted Why the fuck did you take him away from me you motherfucker!
I love that piece of song. The total lack of music, in the middle of the song, expresses my exact feelings the moment the nagging began.
And ofcourse, he thought my you .DIE!-face was because I am brokenhearted.
I mean, really. Just because I am weird, a geek, an outcast of society, a broken soul, a trampled brat?
I am. I feel like a broken soul today. But somehow I fancy the wrong guys (the normal ones). I crave normality. I do not give a fuck for the goals normal people have. I really do not care if that comes in yellow. Most of the time, my hair is a neccessary accessoiry. Its there, and as long as its not in my way, Ill tolerate it.
But I want that romance that comes so naturally for the ones who differ so much.
I have a love-hate relationship with normality. Can someone please just shoot me now?
Well, I think that the Dutch Elfwood group can understand some of me. Not all. I did feel like I was a strange duck in the waters. At some times. Mostly we just draw and hang. Which comes with a lot of laughter.
I have the urge to go and throw stuff. I will too. Some day. I am just so afraid that I will be condemned. The broken soul, afraid to be broken once more.
Really, the fathers and Marjolein are not a part of this problem. It was there, buried inside. They just awaken it. Some people do. My class can awaken it. I cant help but try to opress it.
I can not see myself go to my mentor saying I am a demon, my heart takes a leap from my real self, my class gets under my nails and sucks my blood. I want to smash someone in the face with a wall. Hell think Im a raging lunatic and summon some GPWers to perform an excorsim on me.
Im a raging lunatic. Normally Id smile or giggle. Its not so funny now though. The lusts and desires are so different from the bloodthirsty sacrifice. What if I take this roll a bit further, pick up a guy, forfil all my raging lusts and make myself the eternal slave to lust? I would not be happy. What if Id buy a knife, take it in my boot, be violent and a menace to society? I would not be happy.
Howcome these desires are there, rooting in my consciousness, driving me insane, trapped in my mind?
Society is like my father. Like a roach. Just when you think you trashed, kicked and killed it enough, you finally think youre rid of it, it comes crawling back from under that stone.
[ [ do you mind? Im being sarcastic here ] ]
He wants me to come over for Easter. Well, just because he married a woman who loves to celebrate Easter big doesnt mean Im gonna cancel all of my plans, now does it? Well, in fact, my mother asked me to come have Easterbreakfast at her place. A tradition since the divorce. I think this will be the 6th time were gonna do that.
So by the time I heard that the person calling me was my father, my day was certainly ruined. You can imagine by the time I exited the train I was having thunderclouds over my head. I raced home. Truly, never have cycled so fast. Didnt help because by the time I got home I think my eyes were bloodshot.
I put on my System Of A Down cd, and started cooking. By the time that was finished, Marjolein came home. Just what I needed, another person with a lack of social-relational skills.
So I ate, and she left me alone. But by the time there was this really exciting part in that tv-show I always watch on Sunday and she always interrupts, she came crashing inside to tell me what political party she was going to vote on.
Like I would care!
No, wait. It gets better.
So by the time I was really ready to throw some serious heavy stuff around the room and, if in any way possible, at her head, her father dropped by.
Now Marjolein is truly a misstress in evil sentences. Whenever I come home at six pm from school, dead beat and very cranky, she manages to lift my spirits with the ever jolly question Well, are you home already?
No! Im not fucking home! Im still in fucking school because it fucking looks like Im fucking not standing here you spoiled little nag in the ass!
And she learned from the best. Her father is even worse. I really am in a leave me the fuck alone mood, so I close my door. Which would normally mean nobody comes inside. [Unless ofcourse its freaking Sunday and Im watching my fav tvshow. But thats an exception.]
Its like this little creature you really do not care for existing, but it starts to nibble at your feet, trying to grab your attention. And, even though its really a creature you do NOT care about like an ant or something, it hurts. And its annoying. And you really want to kick it in the hope itll go away and leave you alone. But in stead, it comes back and brings a friend to gnaw at you.
Marjoleins father started to nag at me. Just as System Of A Down made a total break in their flaming guitars and the singer shouted Why the fuck did you take him away from me you motherfucker!
I love that piece of song. The total lack of music, in the middle of the song, expresses my exact feelings the moment the nagging began.
And ofcourse, he thought my you .DIE!-face was because I am brokenhearted.
I mean, really. Just because I am weird, a geek, an outcast of society, a broken soul, a trampled brat?
I am. I feel like a broken soul today. But somehow I fancy the wrong guys (the normal ones). I crave normality. I do not give a fuck for the goals normal people have. I really do not care if that comes in yellow. Most of the time, my hair is a neccessary accessoiry. Its there, and as long as its not in my way, Ill tolerate it.
But I want that romance that comes so naturally for the ones who differ so much.
I have a love-hate relationship with normality. Can someone please just shoot me now?
Well, I think that the Dutch Elfwood group can understand some of me. Not all. I did feel like I was a strange duck in the waters. At some times. Mostly we just draw and hang. Which comes with a lot of laughter.
I have the urge to go and throw stuff. I will too. Some day. I am just so afraid that I will be condemned. The broken soul, afraid to be broken once more.
Really, the fathers and Marjolein are not a part of this problem. It was there, buried inside. They just awaken it. Some people do. My class can awaken it. I cant help but try to opress it.
I can not see myself go to my mentor saying I am a demon, my heart takes a leap from my real self, my class gets under my nails and sucks my blood. I want to smash someone in the face with a wall. Hell think Im a raging lunatic and summon some GPWers to perform an excorsim on me.
Im a raging lunatic. Normally Id smile or giggle. Its not so funny now though. The lusts and desires are so different from the bloodthirsty sacrifice. What if I take this roll a bit further, pick up a guy, forfil all my raging lusts and make myself the eternal slave to lust? I would not be happy. What if Id buy a knife, take it in my boot, be violent and a menace to society? I would not be happy.
Howcome these desires are there, rooting in my consciousness, driving me insane, trapped in my mind?
Society is like my father. Like a roach. Just when you think you trashed, kicked and killed it enough, you finally think youre rid of it, it comes crawling back from under that stone.
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Lust en Desire
Date: 2002-03-26 03:20 am (UTC)I can understand what you're saying. It's very hard to find a good balance between your emotions and actions. What do you do when you're burning with fire from the inside but you know you'll burn yourself when you release it. You'll burn yourself and others.
Personally I have to deal with the lust and desire-feeling a lot. I'm a hot-tempered pasionally desirefull critter... yup. I just try to put all my pasion into other things. When I'm really pasionate about someone, I tend to get distant. At least that's what people tell me.
Now you seem like a girl that shows her emotions a lot more than I do. I am not very good with that whole feeling-stuff.
I'm not making sense here now, am I?
Just try to hang on girl. Life's worth so fucking much and you gotta do your best to make yourself happy. It's easier said than done. You slowely discovering what you need to become happy.
And about the poem. Do you question your believes? Do you only see the bad things in life? Do you look only at the stuff that's fucked up? Please look at the good stuff too and look at what you can do about it.
I dunno.... TC.