LJ exists, for lo!, there are trains.

Yep, very true. If not for the public transportation system, my LJ would have been way less thick.

All of my friends won prizes today at the National Contest For Young Scientists.
Joke won 2 weeks of Science camp in London.
Kim gets to go to Space camp way up in Norway.
Louk won two prizes but I don’t know what they really are. [ [ and don’t care about either. Did I mention not caring? ] ]
And TommyCee, well, she wasn’t in the contest but she’s special. *wink* You know what I mean. *Wink* *Giggle*.

Well, not that special! Duh…

[ [ “Doos…” ] ]

I went to Amsterdam way too early. So after browsing through Stephen Hawking’s book of the Universe [ [ Kim has great taste in books ] ] I went towards the Waterlooplein to check out some groovy market which is always there. Except on Sundays. Bummer.

There was some market at the Singel but it was all tulips-flowers-souvenir-stuff-blah. I went into the infamous Kalverstraat, ate some icecream and a burger and went into this lovely little (4 story) shop called the American Book Center. Where I bought Robert Jordan’s Wheel of Time, part nine. There is now officially no logical order anymore in how I buy the books. I think I now own # 1, 3, 4, 5 and 9. I’m going to het #2 from a friend and I’m really not sure about these numbers.

Ha, you think this is a lot of text? There’s more yet to come! The best part. For those of us who like to read about cute boys. Don’t we all?

[ [ Okay, not you Sander, that’s true ] ]

So after my “I’m-gonna-spoil-myself-with-luxuries”-shopping spree I returned to Nemo, where the contest was. (Remember : Young, science, stuff?)

I was there talking to Kim, who said there were people from my old school as well. So I tried to let her drag me to their stand (the anti-bacterial function of…. likrish!!!!) and there he was.

[ [ So I’ve had a major crush on this guy for years. Then, he graduated, and I only saw him again when I was in the Contest myself, two years back. And his father used to be my biology teacher. ] ]

When he turned around (okay, this is going to sound realy Hollywood-like) I saw who that tall dude was and I was lapping my hand at my face after shouting “No!!!” at him.

That was some reunion. I made a smashing impression.

Well, he’s all cute and all. Very nice little manager man. Checkered blouse. *Shiver*. Short black hair. Bad family. His father is a constant reminder of my father. *Shiver*

But not my type….probably never ever going to see him again…

[ [ never mind the I’m-talking-myself-out-of-getting-a-crush-talk ] ]

No, then Marius… *dream dream*

For Reasons Undefined

My father called when I was about to arrive at Ede. Yeah, that’s a real treat.

[ [ do you mind? I’m being sarcastic here ] ]

He wants me to come over for Easter. Well, just because he married a woman who loves to celebrate Easter big doesn’t mean I’m gonna cancel all of my plans, now does it? Well, in fact, my mother asked me to come have Easterbreakfast at her place. A tradition since the divorce. I think this will be the 6th time we’re gonna do that.

So by the time I heard that the person calling me was my father, my day was certainly ruined. You can imagine by the time I exited the train I was having thunderclouds over my head. I raced home. Truly, never have cycled so fast. Didn’t help because by the time I got home I think my eyes were bloodshot.

I put on my System Of A Down cd, and started cooking. By the time that was finished, Marjolein came home. Just what I needed, another person with a lack of social-relational skills.

So I ate, and she left me alone. But by the time there was this really exciting part in that tv-show I always watch on Sunday and she always interrupts, she came crashing inside to tell me what political party she was going to vote on.

Like I would care!

No, wait. It gets better.

So by the time I was really ready to throw some serious heavy stuff around the room and, if in any way possible, at her head, her father dropped by.

Now Marjolein is truly a misstress in evil sentences. Whenever I come home at six pm from school, dead beat and very cranky, she manages to lift my spirits with the ever jolly question “Well, are you home already?”

No! I’m not fucking home! I’m still in fucking school because it fucking looks like I’m fucking not standing here you spoiled little nag in the ass!

And she learned from the best. Her father is even worse. I really am in a “leave me the fuck alone” mood, so I close my door. Which would normally mean nobody comes inside. [Unless ofcourse it’s freaking Sunday and I’m watching my fav tvshow. But that’s an exception.]

It’s like this little creature you really do not care for existing, but it starts to nibble at your feet, trying to grab your attention. And, even though it’s really a creature you do NOT care about…like an ant or something, it hurts. And it’s annoying. And you really want to kick it in the hope it’ll go away and leave you alone. But in stead, it comes back and brings a friend to gnaw at you.

Marjolein’s father started to nag at me. Just as System Of A Down made a total break in their flaming guitars and the singer shouted “Why the fuck did you take him away from me you motherfucker!”
I love that piece of song. The total lack of music, in the middle of the song, expresses my exact feelings the moment the nagging began.

And ofcourse, he thought my “you….DIE!”-face was because I am brokenhearted.

I mean, really. Just because I am weird, a geek, an outcast of society, a broken soul, a trampled brat?
I am. I feel like a broken soul today. But somehow I fancy the wrong guys (the ‘normal’ ones). I crave normality. I do not give a fuck for the goals ‘normal’ people have. I really do not care if ‘that’ comes in yellow. Most of the time, my hair is a neccessary accessoiry. It’s there, and as long as it’s not in my way, I’ll tolerate it.
But I want that romance that comes so naturally for the ones who differ so much.

I have a love-hate relationship with normality. Can someone please just shoot me now?

Well, I think that the Dutch Elfwood group can understand some of me. Not all. I did feel like I was a strange duck in the waters. At some times. Mostly we just draw and hang. Which comes with a lot of laughter.

I have the urge to go and throw stuff. I will too. Some day. I am just so afraid that I will be condemned. The broken soul, afraid to be broken once more.

Really, the fathers and Marjolein are not a part of this problem. It was there, buried inside. They just awaken it. Some people do. My class can awaken it. I can’t help but try to opress it.

I can not see myself go to my mentor saying “I am a demon, my heart takes a leap from my real self, my class gets under my nails and sucks my blood. I want to smash someone in the face with a wall.” He’ll think I’m a raging lunatic and summon some GPW’ers to perform an excorsim on me.

I’m a raging lunatic. Normally I’d smile or giggle. It’s not so funny now though. The lusts and desires are so different from the bloodthirsty sacrifice. What if I take this roll a bit further, pick up a guy, forfil all my raging lusts and make myself the eternal slave to lust? I would not be happy. What if I’d buy a knife, take it in my boot, be violent and a menace to society? I would not be happy.

Howcome these desires are there, rooting in my consciousness, driving me insane, trapped in my mind?

Society is like my father. Like a roach. Just when you think you trashed, kicked and killed it enough, you finally think you’re rid of it, it comes crawling back from under that stone.