The moment of despair

It all seems to be slipping away from my fingers. My house, my life, disappearing underneath the veil of silence and a mist of unacceptance. I cling to each last straw that tells me it's real, but I must bear with all the people who tell me it's not.

I feel numb as the life I can't talk about goes to sleep, the snooring slumber reverberating in a throbbing headache. My bones chill and the frost from outside settles within. Those who know about this remain silent. Alone alone despair alone. Knowledge brings words and thoughts bring life to the words everyone judges as madman's chatter.

I am not crazy, there's just no-one to back me up. If they spoke I'd be certain this exists. Now I just don't know anymore. If this world slips beyond my reach, will they too? They can not leave me here in this state of mind but that's what they do and that's what they've always done.

Why are the ones you need never the ones that are there and why are the ones that are there the ones that talk of another life and make mine seem hazy and far? Feel my pain, bring me back my life. Don't let it die like this?

“There are no tomorrows for this heart of mine”

No e-mail back yet. *Sigh*
It’s probably all girly-like and I’m sorry but he appears in my dreams both day and night.

Also, I’m trying to hold on to the larp. Because if I lose it, will I lose this wonderful feeling larp always gives me or…even him?

Cooking shoarma (meat!) and potatoes provencale. Just in need of good-tasting food to remember why I’m holding back on the chips. I’ll make it a fun night for myself. I have to type that report and then clean up here but I’ll eat my food in front of episode 3 of Star Trek: Enterprise. So far so good. A bit of wine and all.
Got to stir, back in a sec.

So once I realised school had no future for me today, I went to the city in the hope the Hema would have my pictures back. But why for the world would you, as a photo-developing mega-store, be true to your contract? Hand in your film Tuesday and you might get it back Thursday, but you’d better count on Monday. *deep and frustrated sigh* So I went bra-shopping. I had seen some rad corsetlike thingies at the Hennes but it wasn’t in my size. I mean, why the hell would people want breasts that are larger than B or godforbid C because then you wouldn’t fit into those neat little nighties.

I bought a nice little black laced bra. Not so expensive either, for my size. Also bought three books second hand: Erich Segal’s Love Story, David Eddings The Diamond Throne and Linda Lay Schuler’s She Who Remembers. That last title just caught my eye.

When potatoes are black, they’re done right?
Normally I’m a good cook. Really.

"So much for the ten year plan", The Dreamwalker would say...

So much for the ten year plan. I was planning on having a quiet night at home, not much doing except that report which is due tomorrow but I couldn't resist and had to check my e-mail.

So, picked up the cellphone (which is ex-pen-sive to wap with but I often check my yahoo mail with it anyway, just to stay in touch with the world), and saw I had 6 new e-mails. Five were from yahoo groups, and there was a comment. An anonymous comment.

I read this comment and sped to school.

I'm pathetic. I know. I'm really hopeless. *sigh*
Why oh why is my phone charging and didn't I bring it?

Also: I'm practising my elvish. *Grin*
I can now say the first sentences of Galadriel from the Fellowship "The World is changed..." Preparing for Wednesday...