Leaving my lesbian friends

In the train right now, Ede-bound. Last day was tiring. TommyCee and I went to the OCCII in the morning but when we finally got there it turned out to be at the Vrankrijk during the day, and at the OCCII at night. So we took over a terrace and sipped large lemoned cola’s getting sunburnt until we decided to take a tram back to the other venue.

There was a good discussion workshop on clothing, go-with-the-flow, prejudice, judging and pride. Then we ate, and took a tram to the OCCII. First there was Bunnies on Strike, then Sabrina on spoken word. Then another band (o my god I can’t believe I am this bad on names!) then Jeanne on spoken word, an artperformance including a nude, and then more bands: Dominatrix!

Jeanne was really good, she just mesmerized me and poured a waterfall of words over me and all I could do was try to breathe and understand.

It was really hard to say goodbye to all of the people who were so nice and made a lot of effort and worked so hard to get this together. They inspired me and accepted me for who I am. Because even if I can’t pinpoint the definition of who I am, this growing learning everchanging person, I could still be myself around them.

TommyCee, Manuela, Hilde, Sabrina, Red, Caroline, Katie, Jeanne, Suzanne, Tanja and all visitors of whom I only have a face but no name to remember, the organizers and Vrankrijk and OCCII. Thank you for teaching me and opening my eyes.

Returning to reality

It hit me today when I weas back from that break of life: Ladyfest. When I was done doing my chores and I was glod to be at home I suddenly realised that in two weeks this won't be my home anymore. In two weeks I have to be gone from that place I live in because the new tenant will want to paint.

Just as much as I want to paint my new place. If Patrick ever shows up. There are signs that someone has been in the house, but I still can't reach him.

I really don't know what to do. I have this feeling it'll all turn out to be a fraud. Which basically means I will be homeless in two weeks. I'm sure I can sleep at friends' places but still, where am I going to stash my bed, my furniture?

The difference between Ladyfest and here is just so big. One day you're in a dirty hostel in a smelly room and you can't wait to sleep at home again and be able to shower. One day, you're hanging out with squatters, lesbians, punks, and you know exactly what you want to creatively put together in the next few months.

The other day you come home and you realise that though you have a nice bed it will not be there for long. The other day, you are re-confronted by your worries and you have to start coping again and that in the next few months yoiu have no idea what you're going to do and where.

And it's even harder that my mom is in France and I can't reach Tjerk and that I dare not call anyone else because I am afraid of what they might think or say or do.