Being set to think is confronting but necessary

I've been acting like drunk fool lately, with some romantic idea's and fantasy's. Is this the real me?

The amazement I find in looking at some real normal stuff like a tree, a hand, a cloud, is what touches me deep in my soul and heart. Is that what I want to share with others? I really don't know.

Some part of me is that hopeless romantic.
Some part of me wants to kick society [...] - hard.
I think somewhere, that guy from Rammstein is cute.
Somewhere, I fancy the wrong guys, smoking (pot), drinking alcohol.
Somewhere I am that Calamity Jane: a knife in her boot, a bow on her back, fighting her way to freedom.
Somewhere I am Jane Eejit: that clown, bouncing off the walls, making myself look like an idiot.

I seem to be drifting on that sea of uncertainty, not knowing which part I want to be next. Unknowing wheter I am a mix of these extremes, or a person hiding behind them. Is it some lame excuse to think I've never known my real self?

I've spent years recovering from the divorce. I think I still am recovering. I don't think I know myself.

Am I that uncertain person, not happy with how she looks?
Am I that hurt person, abandoned and lost?
Am I that rebel, trying to change a stone into a flower?

Who am I?

Does it really matter waht name I have, what people call me? Will my true name reveal my real identity? Because I haven't felt like the real me when someone shouted my name or whispered it in my ear.

Will I recognize who the real me is?

I wish someone could help me with this. Can someone who has never seen the real me tell me who I am?

I shall hide behind my mask now and sleep. Ah...Muse is on. Good. That's just what I need.

Strange dreams.

In school.

I've had some pretty strange dreams lately. I suppose it could be my hormones bothering me, but it could be something 'real'. *Giggle*

Lately I've had these dreams which can be called romantic. I think they are romantic, some people may disagree. It mostly starts with me standing up on some balcony, wearing an edwardian dress or gown or robe, something very fancy and wide, with a nice cleavage and my hair all up in curls.

The dream continues to the part where I admire the people or the scene around me, after which I descend the stairs (always stairs, never a rope or something) to a point where a man is waiting for me.

The person waiting for me differs. Sometimes it's someone I've met, somethimes it's a famous person or someone from a band or even royalty. [*Secret Giggle*]

When I am down the stairs, the man waiting for me takes my hand and leads me onward. He's always taller than me, which I seem to think is very sexy indeed.

That's where the dream ends.

What do you think of this. Please, your ponderments on this.