Being set to think is confronting but necessary

[janestarz]

I've been acting like drunk fool lately, with some romantic idea's and fantasy's. Is this the real me?

The amazement I find in looking at some real normal stuff like a tree, a hand, a cloud, is what touches me deep in my soul and heart. Is that what I want to share with others? I really don't know.

Some part of me is that hopeless romantic.
Some part of me wants to kick society [...] - hard.
I think somewhere, that guy from Rammstein is cute.
Somewhere, I fancy the wrong guys, smoking (pot), drinking alcohol.
Somewhere I am that Calamity Jane: a knife in her boot, a bow on her back, fighting her way to freedom.
Somewhere I am Jane Eejit: that clown, bouncing off the walls, making myself look like an idiot.

I seem to be drifting on that sea of uncertainty, not knowing which part I want to be next. Unknowing wheter I am a mix of these extremes, or a person hiding behind them. Is it some lame excuse to think I've never known my real self?

I've spent years recovering from the divorce. I think I still am recovering. I don't think I know myself.

Am I that uncertain person, not happy with how she looks?
Am I that hurt person, abandoned and lost?
Am I that rebel, trying to change a stone into a flower?

Who am I?

Does it really matter waht name I have, what people call me? Will my true name reveal my real identity? Because I haven't felt like the real me when someone shouted my name or whispered it in my ear.

Will I recognize who the real me is?

I wish someone could help me with this. Can someone who has never seen the real me tell me who I am?

I shall hide behind my mask now and sleep. Ah...Muse is on. Good. That's just what I need.