I feel old
Nov. 26th, 2003 12:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
janestarzI've said it before, and I'll say it again. I feel old. Not just old in the 'my body gives up and I can't go out anymore' old, but also in the mental sense of the word.
Twenty-one. Twenty-friggin-one. Howcome I have so many ties to tie me down at twenty-one? It feels like life is strapping me into place and will never let me go.
Problem is, ofcourse, that I have been reading my old Livejournal Entries. I was planning on removing entries with quizzes that made no sense, or quizzes that were broken, because no-one will want to see that. In fact, I found only 2 entries. One was "I am a squirrel" , when I did a test to see what critter/animal I would be. In the end I removed the broken image and only had the poem that the test reminded me off left. It's fun to see, that a poem I learned by heart six years ago is still as vibrantly alive now as it was two years ago. "like a small grey coffeepot..."
The other one is a few days later, telling me that if I was a character from LOTR, I'd be Legolas. Ofcourse I would be. I have deleted that entry. The image still works though, and I'm hesitant to let that go to waste. I left the entry of 'I'm a man' because it's just too darn funny a test. I've made it twice, with the interval of about a year and a half, and both times the test said I was a man.
I found lots of semi-lost poems, scribblings sometimes even humms with a rhymeword at the end of a sentence. Too funny to watch.
But all in all, what was most astounding, was the difference of my state of mind and the difference between the end of 2001, and the end of 2003. Sure I was gloomy, but in a way that was quite innocent. I was more girlish back then. I describe being good friends with Nyna (something I have not been able to grasp for a year, or more) and the beginning of my friendship with Tommycee. My crush on 'the bassist from wiseguy' which must have lasted for months, and my work in school. I developed a style, from the first hestiant entry onwards, to a full-fledged style I have now. How I describe I've changed the colours, and more.
Innocent happiness, it seems now.
How things change. They've changed, and makes what used to be so self-assured seem innocent. I've learned, I've grown. Sometimes away from people. The Dreamwalker for instance.
The most amazing thing was not how I used to visit my mom back then, but more how I was looking for my own style. I don't think I've found my own style, or made it, because style is ever changing and it changes with the person. But I can say I've grown more accustomed to myself.
I had all these wild idea's too. And the main difference with then and now is that I don't just bound off trying to make them happen, but I really reallythink about them, and then get my friends enthusiastic. Masquerade, the zine Nyna and TC and I were going to make, never happened, nor did the Toe Tags (bad band name, I know), but nowadays I have the Tommies, and Sword & Ink.
Did life become much better? It's strange, you'd think it did. But still, all these changes (most for the better) make me feel old.
Twenty-one. Twenty-friggin-one. Howcome I have so many ties to tie me down at twenty-one? It feels like life is strapping me into place and will never let me go.
Problem is, ofcourse, that I have been reading my old Livejournal Entries. I was planning on removing entries with quizzes that made no sense, or quizzes that were broken, because no-one will want to see that. In fact, I found only 2 entries. One was "I am a squirrel" , when I did a test to see what critter/animal I would be. In the end I removed the broken image and only had the poem that the test reminded me off left. It's fun to see, that a poem I learned by heart six years ago is still as vibrantly alive now as it was two years ago. "like a small grey coffeepot..."
The other one is a few days later, telling me that if I was a character from LOTR, I'd be Legolas. Ofcourse I would be. I have deleted that entry. The image still works though, and I'm hesitant to let that go to waste. I left the entry of 'I'm a man' because it's just too darn funny a test. I've made it twice, with the interval of about a year and a half, and both times the test said I was a man.
I found lots of semi-lost poems, scribblings sometimes even humms with a rhymeword at the end of a sentence. Too funny to watch.
But all in all, what was most astounding, was the difference of my state of mind and the difference between the end of 2001, and the end of 2003. Sure I was gloomy, but in a way that was quite innocent. I was more girlish back then. I describe being good friends with Nyna (something I have not been able to grasp for a year, or more) and the beginning of my friendship with Tommycee. My crush on 'the bassist from wiseguy' which must have lasted for months, and my work in school. I developed a style, from the first hestiant entry onwards, to a full-fledged style I have now. How I describe I've changed the colours, and more.
Innocent happiness, it seems now.
How things change. They've changed, and makes what used to be so self-assured seem innocent. I've learned, I've grown. Sometimes away from people. The Dreamwalker for instance.
The most amazing thing was not how I used to visit my mom back then, but more how I was looking for my own style. I don't think I've found my own style, or made it, because style is ever changing and it changes with the person. But I can say I've grown more accustomed to myself.
I had all these wild idea's too. And the main difference with then and now is that I don't just bound off trying to make them happen, but I really reallythink about them, and then get my friends enthusiastic. Masquerade, the zine Nyna and TC and I were going to make, never happened, nor did the Toe Tags (bad band name, I know), but nowadays I have the Tommies, and Sword & Ink.
Did life become much better? It's strange, you'd think it did. But still, all these changes (most for the better) make me feel old.
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no subject
Date: 2003-11-26 05:08 am (UTC)I think you know (or I hope you know) that age is a subjective thing. I often think of myself as old, but a lot of people find me very young.
I don't find you old, I find you young (not immature, but young) but your own feelings about yourself may differ from what other people feel about you.
It's a dynamic thing. You may feel old today, and young tomorrow.
I hope you do. Life has a lot to offer to you.
no subject
Date: 2003-11-26 11:54 am (UTC)"I feel oldER"
*smirks*
*taps you on the shoulder*
TAG! You're it!
*runs off, giggling frantically*