I feel like total fucking shit. Let's give you a detailed insight of what my afternoon was like.
Well Margreet, the therapist, came 30 minutes late. I had been walking around nervously and I finally had picked up a paper and pencil to draw some userpics for LJ, when she arrived. She showed interest in my drawings and I showed her some of what I have on my Elfwood Gallery.
Then, we sat down. Margreet opened our little comfy cozy meeting with recapitulating what had been said last week. IT was nice to have it all out in the open again, dragged from that sandpit in my mind where I normally keep it.
Marjolein told about what her two weeks had been like. It boiled down to "I have tried but I don't feel like there's effort from both sides." Then, I told what my two weeks had been like. Which was done pretty quick: "It was like living hell." I told Mar & Mar that I couldn't go on and that I was still with my original "you out or I out!" and at this, Marjolein got whiney. Well, she was shocked that I was at my end and that I didn't even want to try.
I can't! I can't try! I've had the "I can't"-feeling for over a week now, if not more, and it's got to end.
She claimed her life was ruined again and that it was another low. She even threatened to go and do stupid things [like parking her car into a tree, but not actually saying that]. Margreet was really good. She repeated what Marjolein had said and made her see, which was pretty hard, that what Marjolein was now claiming was false. On one hand Marjolein claimed to be forced to move out, and almost forced to do silly things [laying the responsibility with me]; on the other hand she said that it was her own fault because she had turned on the gas, and that she should take responsibility, making the choiceto move out.
Margreet talked harsh talk to me as well. Wheter there would not be guilt when Marjolein would move out. Wheter or not I really had tried. She was almost making me believe she wanted Marjolein to stay and me to move out. There was talk of Marjolein saying "I won't go" which would mean I would have to, because I really can't live anymore. I know that that's kind of blackmail, but I don't really care, because that's how I feel.
In the end, we reprocessed everything by saying out loud what we were going to do. Marjolein is moving out. After that, there was a question from Margreet on what we would do tonight. Marjolein will be in the house until tonight and spend the night at her dad's place. I told Margreet I could leave in 5 minutes and be gone until 11.
I called Sander on what his plans were and wheter he was still in school. So I took some clothes and left. I'm in school now, typing this. My laundry is still in the door, the door is wide open, she has full access to all of my stuff. I just hope I can ever make myself go back to where she might be.
So, that was my afternoon. How've you been?
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